New rule: No electrical adaptor you find in your house will fit into any electrical gadget in your house. Shocking, just shocking: A new study reveals that programs that focus exclusively on abstinence have not been shown to affect teenager sexual behavior, although they are eligible for tens of millions of dollars in federal grants. “We here in the White House still feel the more teens don’t know, the more they won’t do,” said the administration’s Director of Dopey Dollar Distribution. “Which is exactly how we’re dealing with every scientific study, including this one.” Let’s eat: A study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta finds that being overweight does not increase the risk of dying from cancer or heart disease. “In fact, being obese may actually protect people from a host of other causes of death,” said researcher Candy Swallow. “Problem is, it also protects the same people from ever being asked to dance, but not wishing they were dead.” Now they’re going too far: With the price of a barrel of oil reaching nearly $100 a barrel, even oil companies are beginning to feel the squeeze. “Overcharging the consumer is one thing,” said oil company executive Mo Kneebags. “But the gall to overcharge the oil companies themselves, well, that’s just plain inhumane. I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna lose money from this. It’s just that having to pass the increase on to the driver makes us look like we’re the bad guys. I mean, we are bad guys. But looking like bad guys? Well, I don’t want to go crazy.” Question of the week: Now, how do we get reality shows to go on strike? Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (www.greatfailure.com).160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MOREStriving toward a more perfect me: Doug McIntyre Naked tyrants are far less homicidal: After only five days of waiting, President Bush has stepped up and made it clear that the U.S. is not happy with Pakistan’s president and military commander, Pervez Musharraf, holding down two jobs at once, telling the Pakistani dictator that “the United States wants you to have the elections as scheduled and take your uniform off.” Bush later clarified, “The elections are what I want. The uniform thing was Larry Craig’s idea.” In blocking elections and ordering a state of emergency, Musharraf said he is only following Shakespeare’s admonition that “First, we kill all the lawyers.” Musharraf emphasized that he’s being judicious. “It’s not like we’re killing all of them,” said the good friend of America. “Only the ones still trying to practice.” Aren’t we proud: According to the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans, a new report shows the percentage of homeless veterans, numbered at 495,400, is more than twice that of the general adult population. “It’s really quite brilliant,” stated some Veterans Affairs lackey. “It’s our `Bringing the Boys Home-less Program.’ And with the bleak outlook for our vets once they get back, it’s far less likely the terrorists will follow them here.” What a bargain: The average price of a Lakers ticket is $89.24, the highest in the NBA. The average ticket for the New Orleans Hornets is a league-low of $24.58. Final score Tuesday in Los Angeles: New Orleans 118, Lakers 104. Worth it? You do the math, fans. Torre! Torre! Torre! In an attempt to resurrect the success he had with the Yankees, new Dodger skipper Joe Torre is bringing on his old New York coaches Larry Bowa and Don Mattingly. Not stopping there, the former Milwaukee Braves’ all-star catcher is looking to bring on one-time teammates Hank Aaron, Eddie Matthews and Warren Spahn in the lineup. “Sure, a lot of them are dead,” said Torre, “but did you see the Dodgers in September? Babe Ruth could bat fourth today and we’d still finish higher than they did.” Writers strike disclaimer: As you may know, the television and filmwriter members of the Writers Guild of America are on strike. What you may not know is that your humble correspondent is a member of the WGA and therefore is not permitted to write for TV or film. So I implore you, if you are a producer – a crummy, greedy, thieving producer – no matter how visually creative you find this column, do not use it on TV or on film. Then again, if you are a producer – a lovely, fair and honest, creative-as-a-writer producer – after the strike … what say we take a meeting at Art’s? Did I mention how creative I thought you were? I did? Good. Just so you know. Then there are the losers: The people most affected by the writers strike are those who depend on “The Daily Show” for the news and Art’s Deli waitresses who depend on overtipping by sitcom writers for bus fare. And the winners: WGA writers who are unemployed even when not on strike who now have an excuse for their unemployment. I … I mean, they, thank you.